Arrogant Armageddon and scuzzy narrators

In case you haven't heard, I'm turning our world of hyper-hubris into a pen and paper setting.  It's looking to be a lot of fun, easy to get into, and a setting where your friends can make jokes while staying in character.  A setting steeped in the absurd deserves some similarly ridiculous rulebook content, right?  I think reading the setting information for a pen and paper game should foreshadow the feel of playing.  Give your players a sense of what they'll be doing once they're around the table together.  With that in mind, I've been able to write some really fun setting explanations.  Here's a taste of the sort of "authority figures" that exist in Arrogant Armageddon so that players see what a sideways and silly place they're going to inhabit.  This may literally be page 1 of the book.  Enjoy!  

- Excerpted from the Book of Perry, The Best Scholar in the World to Ever Bang-A-Rang Your Moms -

It is one hell of an absolute goddamn unlikelihood that this book would ever be written, much less that I’d be the son of a bitch puttin’ pen to pad, much-much less that any piece of fuck would take the time to read it.  Being the best ever at reading didn’t get anyone very far after the Arrogant Armageddon—not unless you’re one of those Libearians, that is.  

Does a bear shit in the woods?  Not if them assholes have anything to say about it.  They’d have it so as they was only taking grizzly dumps in the Libeary of Congress.  Or Congrizzly, more like.  

But like I was saying, why am I even bothering to write this?  Chances are, you can’t read it.  You’re probably shitting in the woods and using it for toilet paper.  I don’t blame ya.  The world ends, you still gotta shit.  

But like I was saying, those Libearians were absolute day-ruiners.  You’d wake up thinking you knew where Denver was, or thinking that it wasn’t infested by a sky-load of Pbearodactyls, but you’d be unbelievably fucking wrong about that now, wouldn’t you?  And you definitely didn’t wake up thinking that the practitioners of the urcane arts, the grizzards, were claw-njuring up a maulstrom of puns n’ rage lightning right outside your backdoor, but guess what--that’s where Denver is now, and you’re about to have your day ruined by all that shit I just said.  

And don’t forget, I bang-a-ranged your moms.  The best.

Not that this whole book is about what a bunch of arrogant pricks bears are.  You’re gon’ have to reckon with a whole smorgasbord of pricks, coming in all flavors.  If you thought professional athletes were  full of themselves before, you have no idea what a ‘roider will do these days.  They’ll flex so hard they grow two extra arms out their backs just to challenge you to a game of soccer, tennis, hockey, and friggin’ jai alai--all at the same time.  And don’t go tellin’ them you don’t use your arms in soccer.  That’s just beggin’ to choke on some mighty big balls there, squish-stuff.  

But like I was saying, and here’s the real point of this ramble—here’s a tome of what is.  What remains.  And all the unbelievabilities that have come to be.  

Welcome to a few short months from whenever you’re reading this.  There’s gonna be a whole lot of bear shit coming your way, and more than a few basketballs, lepers, and shit-faced villains to leave in your wake.  

Welcome to the U.S. of Arrogance, ya piece of fuck.  

Arrogance, Athlete campaign level 2 part 2

Hey, here's the rest of that Athletes level you maybe forgot existed!  

Forget what the Athletes are in context of Arrogance?  

Forget what Arrogance is?  

Follow the links!  

For just a quick synopsis of Athletes 2 part 1, the Athletes have traveled to their rival high school on the momentum of their recent win over the opposing track team (their victory ensured by bludgeoning, naturally).  There they met Jay the Groundskeeper, who has been drinking a boatload of arrogance.  Jay knows where their rival's mascot practices.  Mascot's heads are enormous because of all the sports inside, of course, so the Coach has decided to crack that skull and get enlightened.  

Obviously.  

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

VOICEOVER: once 10 Water Boys are collecting resources. 

THE COACH: Finally!  Whichever one of you is Jim, make us a new Gym!  And hustle!  

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

VOICEOVER: once the Gym is complete, the player’s base is attacked by a Sprinter and two BALLERS.  Ballers are lanky, cocksure athletes with short-shorts, a sweatband, constantly dribbling hands, and a killer afro.  The player defeats the Ballers. 

THE COACH: What the shit?  This school knows other sports?  We gotta learn them, too!  Jay, are any of those uniforms in this pile of junk?  

JAY: I’m sure I have a few, old sport. 

THE COACH: NO—it’s time for NEW SPORTS.  Water Boys!  Make a Swoll-mart and find me some of those baller-ass uniforms! 

TITLE OVER:

     Build a Swoll-Mart and train six Ballers at the Gym.  Train four Sprinters. 

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

VOICEOVER: once the first Baller’s complete. 

BALLER #1: Coach!  Where’s the court at? 

THE COACH: You’re eager!  I like that.  Let me train the rest of the team first! 

BALLER #1: Naw, Coach.  You can’t blue ball me like that.  You had me in there palmin’ balls for so long, tellin’ me we was gonna play, tellin’ me we was gonna go all the way to the championship, and now you tellin’ me to wait?  I’m dribblin’ already, let me unleash all of this dunk! 

THE COACH:  We need a team first! 

BALLER #1: But I’m dyin’ for a layup! 

THE COACH: What are you gonna do?  Play with yourself? 

BALLER #1: I’d rather not, but I wanna shoot as soon as possible. 

THE COACH: It takes time to train the Wet Dream Team! 

BALLER #1: What?  That sounds whack. 

THE COACH: You said you liked it wet!  Real wet! 

BALLER #1: For sure, I was just wonderin’ why you named it that. 

THE COACH: I already gave you some!  It’s because of all the Superade you’re gonna drink. 

BALLER #1: Oh yeah!  You got any more of that shit? 

THE COACH: Of course!  Come guzzle it down!  Suck it dry! 

SPRINTER #1: What the fuck is up with you guys and dicks? 

THE COACH: What? 

BALLER #1: The fuck you talking about? 

SPRINTER #1: Guzzling and blue balls and a Wet fuckin’ Dream Team?  Sucking each other dry? 

THE COACH: Get your mind out of the gutter! 

SPRINTER #1: You fuckin’ shittin’ me here? 

THE COACH: Of course not, fag!  Both of you, go bone each other up on your sexual win-tercourse! 

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

CUTSCENE: Once the player has built the Gym and trained six Ballers and four Sprinters.  

THE COACH: Jay!  Tell us where the mascot is! 

JAY: The mascot practices over there [as he speaks, the location is revealed on the minimap], but it appears there’s a track practice between you and the mascot. 

THE COACH: Perfect.  We’ll kill our way through them. 

WATER BOY #1: Why not go around? 

SPRINTER #1: [To Jay]  Yeah bro, how’d you get there before? 

THE COACH: Did I train you to think? 

SPRINTER #1: You taught me basic math in the last level. 

THE COACH: The correct answer is NO!  I trained you to drink Superade and win no matter what!  So when I tell you to kill your way through them, you snap to it and snap some necks!  Now hustle, and bring those Ballers with you.  Keep them behind you—they’re less worthless than you are! 

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S PRACTICE – DAY

VOICEOVER: Your Ballers kill the first group of Sprinters.

THE COACH: Hot Christ those basketballs kill the living hot Christ out of those Sprinters!  Jay, did you see how our Ballers trotted all over those Sprinter’s globes? 

JAY: Of course, old sport.   [Jay drinks arrogance from a champagne glass.  Maybe not right here, but that’s a thing he does.]

THE COACH: Team!  Get me more of those Ballers! 

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S PRACTICE – DAY

VOICEOVER: After the track practice is killed off.  

JAY: You’re going to face some heavy artillery next—this school’s installed some automatic baseball pitchers to protect their mascot. 

THE COACH: Are you kidding me?  My Ballers are gonna dunk all over those faggy robots.  Team!  Make those automatic pitchers play catcher! 

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S AUTOMATIC PITCHERS – DAY

VOICEOVER: The Athletes face two automatic pitchers.  The Sprinters and Ballers suffer heavy casualties. 

THE COACH: What the hell?  Are there more of those automatic pitchers? 

JAY: Afraid so, old sport. 

THE COACH: Fuck!  I can’t train enough Sprinters and Ballers to deal with those things!  Team, flex harder so you can wreck them faster!  And stop dying! 

JAY: Old sport, maybe it’s time for another new sport. 

THE COACH: Like competitive Armageddon? 

JAY: [Sips arrogance] That… or let’s add some field to your track team. 

THE COACH: I hate competitive farm-ageddon! 

JAY: No, I mean Discus Throwers! 

THE COACH: Do you have any of their uniforms in that junk pile? 

JAY: I must!  Otherwise, why would it be there? 

THE COACH: What you said makes so much sense! 

JAY: And not just because I’m so charming, old sport.  It’s because I’m still leaking colors everywhere. 

THE COACH: I love the smell of colors in the morning.  Team!  Get me some Discus Throwing uniforms so we can start the ajockalypse NOW!

TITLE OVER:

     Train six Discus Throwers. 

     Train six Sprinters.

     Train six Ballers.  

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S AUTOMATIC PITCHERS – DAY

VOICEOVER: after your Discus Throwers are all trained. 

THE COACH: Discus Throwers!  I hear you won’t die as much to those automatic pitchers.  Go make those robots choke on their own balls! 

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S FIELD - DAY

VOICEOVER: after the blockade of 3+ automatic pitchers is destroyed, a handful of Opposing Sprinters and Ballers move in to attack. 

THE COACH: Team, kill them all!  Leave no one for the mascot to hide behind! 

TITLE OVER:

     Defeat all Opposing Athletes. 

EXT. RIVAL SCHOOL’S FIELD - DAY

CUTSCENE: after the opposition is defeated, the Athletes close in on the mascot… who has disappeared. 

THE COACH: Goddammit!  Where is he hiding? 

BALLER #1: Yo, maybe he’s inside the school? 

THE COACH: There’s no way that head could fit through the door.  No, we have to think like a pussy.   What would a pussy do? 

WATER BOY #1: I would have run away. 

THE COACH: Shut the fuck up, pussy!  Where would you have run to? 

WATER BOY #1: The place I felt safest. 

THE COACH: Pussy!  Where’s that? 

WATER BOY #1: It used to be school. 

THE COACH: Brain pussy!  You must be right, though, because that mascot has a huge-ass brain.  Who knows what sort of untold sports are in that fucking melon?  [He licks his lips.]  All right, team!  We have to go to the other opposing high school and kill that mascot. 

BALLER #1: Are you serious?  He’s probably inside this school. 

THE COACH:  I already said that gigantic noggin couldn’t fit through the doors.   No, he’s running from us.  Team!  The Pathetics say the mascot is going to the next school.  First one there gets to skull-fuck the secrets out of that brain pussy! 

[The Team cheers as the Water Boys cover their eyes.]

FADE OUT:

End of level.  

Arrogance, Athlete campaign level 2

Wondering what the shit this is?  It's the script for the second level of our RTS game, Arrogance.  Need more than that?  See the pitch for the game here and read the first level here!  

Competition Two: The Art of Sportswear

EXT. OPPOSING HIGH SCHOOL FIELD – DAY

CUTSCENE:  THE COACH warmongers to four Sprinters and four Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Team!  We’re getting near the other school.  The only way we’re gonna beat the whole school is by having the biggest team with the best Superade and 110% more sports! 

SPRINTER #1:  Whaddya need Coach? 

THE COACH:  Go find somewhere for the Water Boys to build a new locker room!  

WATER BOY #1:  But… why do we need another locker room? 

THE COACH:  The other one’s too far away! 

WATER BOY #2:  What’s wrong with right here? 

THE COACH:  It’s terrible!  What did they teach you in geography?  The three most important things are location, location, and go fuck yourself!   Plus, I can smell some nearby Superade.  Hustle, team! 

TITLE OVER:

    Find more Superade. 

    Build a new locker room. 

    Beat the other school forever! 

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL NEAR OPPOSING SCHOOL – DAY

CUTSCENE:  the Sprinters find an Arrogance Pool and a Junk Pile near a rundown shack.  A large man, JAY THE GROUNDSKEEPER, is being attacked by two OPPOSING SPRINTERS. 

THE COACH:  I told you there was Superade!   Hey, the other team is beating that man to take his Superade!  Go beat them so we can take his Superade instead! 

TITLE OVER:

    Save the man so you can beat him!

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL NEAR OPPOSING SCHOOL – DAY

CUTSCENE:  Once the Opposing Sprinters are defeated, THE COACH talks to Jay. 

THE COACH:  Hey!  Get away from our Superade!

JAY:  Is that what this shit is?  I been drinking it, I just didn’t know why. 

THE COACH:  You like the Superade? 

JAY:  I’ve never felt better!  I’m dripping colors everywhere. 

WATER BOY #1:  I… I think that’s blood. 

THE COACH:  No, Superade makes you leak colors.  That’s how you know it’s working!  Team, I think we have a new ally.  What’s your name? 

JAY:  I’m Jay the groundskeeper, old sport.  I collect all the junk that school throws out, and in return, they let me drink all the Superade I want out of that puddle there. 

WATER BOY #1:  Doesn’t the school pay you?

JAY:  Why would they pay me?  They don’t even know I’m here. 

SPRINTER #1:  Why were those pricks beating you? 

JAY:  If I had two guesses, I’d say it’s either because I was watching their mascot practice his routine, or because I punched one prick in his taint.  They must have followed me back here by the smell of his taint on my knuckles. 

SPRINTER #1:  Yeah, big mystery.  I’ma say it maybe taint the first one. 

THE COACH:  It’s impossible to know. 

SPRINTER #2:  Whadda they care if you was watching their friggin’ mascot? 

THE COACH:  The mascot is the brains of the entire team!  What else do you think is inside that huge head?  Jay!  You know where the mascot is? 

JAY:  Sure I do.  But getting to him won’t be easy. 

THE COACH:  That’s fine.  “Hard as fuck” is my middle name.  Team!  If we can knock the head offa that mascot, the school will fall.  Jay, lead the way—but first, can we have your junk and drink your Superade? 

JAY:  Of course you can old sport! 

THE COACH:  SPORTS!  All right pathetics, build us a new locker room!  Just do it! 

Scene fades, then rises to a new locker room being completed.  The Water Boys start harvesting Junk and Arrogance.

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

CUTSCENE:  THE COACH yells at the Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Collect faster!  What’s wrong with you? 

WATER BOY #1:  I think it’s called asthma. 

THE COACH:  So you can’t go any faster? 

WATER BOY #1:  Not without my inhaler. 

THE COACH:  More like in-failure!  If you can’t go faster, I need more of you!  Find more of you worthless Water Boys inside that locker room and make them collect Junk and Superade!  Five of you collecting Junk and five on Superade is all the pathetic I can stand, but it should be enough.  And don’t mention spaz-ma again unless you’re breathing from a win-haler! 

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

VOICEOVER:  while creating Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Jay, how long have you been gathering this junk? 

JAY:  Just a few days, old sport.  Ever since I stopped here for a quick drink while practicing my home runs. 

THE COACH:  You play baseball?

JAY:  No, whatever gave you that idea? 

THE COACH:  You were practicing home runs! 

JAY:  Of course!  What do you think home runs are? 

THE COACH:  Baseball!  What do you think home runs are? 

JAY:  Why, it’s what I have to do after I punch a guy in his taint—I run home!  I call taint-punching “givin’ ‘em the ol’ knuckle-ball!”

SPRINTER #1:  You sure got a lot of terms for punching dicks. 

JAY:  That’s not the half of them!  When I punch four taints, it’s a grand slam!  Punching two taints hard enough the guys fall down is a ground roll double!  When I just knick ‘em with my pinky, I call that the bottom of the fifth! 

THE COACH:  This guy plays dirty!  I love it! 

SPRINTER #1:  Yo dawg, you got any other hobbies? 

JAY:  Why? Isn’t this the national pastime? 

SPRINTER #1:  Why do you punch so many taints? 

JAY:  It certainly isn’t repressed emotions! 

WATER BOY #1:  Do you think maybe you’re a self-hating gay-basher, Jay? 

JAY:  Nope! 

WATER BOY #1:  Maybe you should spend less time punching taints, then. 

JAY:  Whoa, fella—out of bounds. 

SPRINTER #1:  Can you at least stop using so many baseball words? 

JAY:  That request came outta left field.  I don’t even know what baseball is! 

SPRINTER #1:  Seriously broseph—what would I have to do to make you stop? 

JAY:  I don’t know, but I suppose I talk less when I’m eating. 

SPRINTER #1:  What do you want? 

JAY:  You could buy me some peanuts and cracker-jack. 

Nope, that's not the whole level.  Getting the entire first level in one post was a special treat.  This way we get to ponder over many thrilling questions, like will the Athletes capture the mascot?  Will Jay get his peanuts and cracker-jack?  Will the deaths of many school-age children be treated with the appropriate respect?  

Arrogance, Athlete campaign: level one

I introduced the game Arrogance a couple weeks back as the first game Jacob and I worked on.  It's a real-time strategy game in a world where arrogance has become tangible, and people are capable of whatever they're arrogant enough to believe they can do.  If you want to read the pitch for the game first, you can find it here.  Otherwise, continue reading the first level.  It's meant to introduce players to the world of the game, to introduce them to real-time strategy games in case they're new to the genre, and to keep the first level from being ungodly boring for anyone familiar RTS games.  

Competition One: LET’S GO, RAGNAROK HIGH!!!

Some terminology:

CUTSCENES occur outside of gameplay, taking camera control from the player. 

VOICEOVERS occur during gameplay.  As necessary, portraits of additional speaking characters are shown on the left side of the screen. 

TITLE OVER means text appears on the screen as a message to players. 

INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

CUTSCENE: THE COACH, a roid-raging high school gym teacher, paces manically before speaking. 

THE COACH:  Team!  We gotta go beat that other team! 

TITLE OVER:

     Beat the other team in a race! 

THE COACH (CONT’D):  Team?  Where are you?  Shit I don’t have a team. 

TITLE OVER:

     Beat the other team in a race! 

     Find a team! 

     THEN beat the other team in a race! 

EXT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

CUTSCENE: the Coach addresses five pathetic WATER BOYS. Water boys lack the muscle mass to join the AV club, let alone play sports.  Their voices screech and their self-esteem can’t drop any lower.  A JUNK PILE towers behind them.

THE COACH:  Hey!  Fuck faces!  I need to form a sprinting team! 

WATER BOY #1:  You want us to run?

THE COACH:  No!  You’re worthless!  I want you to dig through the garbage! 

WATER BOY #2:  Why are we digging through the trash?

THE COACH:  We need uniforms!  And batons! 

WATER BOY #3:  Can’t we just buy some?

THE COACH:  We’re a public school!  We don’t have any funding! 

WATER BOY #4:   But, but, wouldn’t someone have to throw those away in order for us to find them? 

THE COACH:  Let me explain this as clearly as I can.  (pause)  FUCK YOU!  (long pause)  If there weren’t uniforms and batons in that Junk Pile, then why would it be here?  Now get to work!

TITLE OVER:

     Click on your Water Boys, then right-click on the Junk Pile to collect junk. 

EXT. JUNK PILE – DAY

VOICEOVER: the Water Boys start collecting junk and returning it to the Locker Room. 

THE COACH:  What?  Where is our gym?   

WATER BOY #1:  We… don’t have one. 

THE COACH:  Dammit!  That’s what’s wrong with education—everyone knows you need to learn how to walk before you can run.  And you need to make people run for their lives before you can learn anything!  

WATER BOY #2:  What? 

WATER BOY #3:  They never taught us that. 

THE COACH:  Exactly!  Because you don’t have a gym!  Grab some more junk and then build me a gym! 

WATER BOY #2:  But… how do we…

THE COACH:  Just do it! 

TITLE OVER:

     Command a Water Boy to build a gym once you have 150 junk. 

EXT. JUNK PILE – DAY

VOICEOVER: the Water Boys continue to collect junk. 

WATER BOY #1:  Is he even a teacher here? 

WATER BOY #2:  I don’t remember him. 

WATER BOY #3:  He made me pee my pants. 

WATER BOY #1:  I thought that was me. 

WATER BOY #3:  Sorry.  It splashes more when I’m intimidated. 

WATER BOY #4:  All I know is that people who yell at me are usually right. 

WATER BOY #3:  Yeah, he seems pretty sure he’s a teacher, so I think I believe him. 

The other Water Boys murmur their assent. 

WATER BOY #1:  I know he said there were uniforms and batons in here, but has anyone found any two by fours?  Or blueprints? 

WATER BOY #2:  I failed woodshop, and even I know this isn’t where buildings come from. 

THE COACH:  I’m an expert on this kind of thing—I’m a health teacher! 

WATER BOY #1:  Oh no, you’re still here?  When did you start listening to us? 

THE COACH:  Never! 

EXT. JUNK PILE – DAY

VOICEOVER: after the Water Boys have collected 150 junk. 

THE COACH:  Finally!  Now, build a gym! 

WATER BOY #1:  You do it, Steve! 

WATER BOY #2:  I don’t think I know how. 

THE COACH:  Just click on the buttons!  And put it there, by the Locker Room! 

EXT. JUNK PILE – DAY

VOICEOVER: a Water Boy starts to build a gym. 

WATER BOY #2:  Where did this foundation come from? 

THE COACH:  You found it in the junk!  That’s why it’s called a foundation!  I should know, I’m a word teacher!  Now, keep building! 

WATER BOY #2:  But… it’s all garbage. 

THE COACH:  They’re just prefabricated materials!  Quit making excuses and start making walls! 

WATER BOY #2:  Don’t I need a building permit? 

THE COACH:  A permit?  I already told you to build it! 

WATER BOY #2:  …what? 

THE COACH:  I think it’s in the junk.  Steve, find it for me in the junk pile!

WATER BOY #2:  But… I’m Steve. 

THE COACH:  (indicating Water Boy #1) No, he’s Steve!  You’re Jim, because I’m telling you how to build the gym.  Because I’m a Jim teacher!  What don’t you understand about this? 

WATER BOY #2:  Everything. 

THE COACH:  That’s why we’re building a gym! 

EXT. GYM – DAY

VOICEOVER: Water Boy #2 just finished building the gym. 

THE COACH:  Great work, Jim!  You earn an A for it looks like shit! 

WATER BOY #2:  I did my best. 

THE COACH:  You’re worthless! 

WATER BOY #4:  He’s yelling, so I think he’s right, Jim. 

WATER BOY #2:  I know. 

THE COACH:  But where are my Sprinters? 

WATER BOY #1:  We don’t know. 

THE COACH:  Make some!  Click on the building and make me Sprinters! 

WATER BOY #2:  How do we click? 

THE COACH:  Not you!  You need to keep collecting junk!  Otherwise how will we ever be able to make all of the Sprinters we need for my team? 

WATER BOY #1:  So who is clicking? 

THE COACH:  It’s not important!  But whoever it is better click on the gym, and then click on the Sprinter button.  I’m talking to you! 

WATER BOY #1:  I thought you weren’t—

THE COACH:  I’m not talking to you! 

EXT. GYM – DAY

VOICEOVER: after training, the first SPRINTER appears outside the gym.  Sprinters are short, wiry, and especially fiery after consuming arrogance. 

SPRINTER #1:  Yeah Coach, come on, let’s go let’s go! 

WATER BOY #1:  But… where did that guy come from? 

THE COACH: What?  It’s a building—there are always people in buildings!  Where else would they come from?  Didn’t you pay any attention in health class?

WATER BOY #2:  Actually, I think I pulled him out of the trash. 

THE COACH:  What a go-getter!  Now, go get me more! 

TITLE OVER:

     Train three more Sprinters. 

EXT. JUNK PILE – DAY

VOICEOVER: Sprinter #1 watches the Water Boys working. 

SPRINTER #1:  What’re you punks up to? 

WATER BOY #1:  We’re carrying junk back to the Locker Room.   

SPRINTER #1:  The hell?  Why? 

WATER BOY #2:  Mom says that keeping busy is important. 

WATER BOY #3:  And the Coach said to do it because we’re worthless. 

SPRINTER #1:  Huh.  Wouldn’t running like that be good training for me?  Maybe I’ll help. 

THE COACH:  (to Sprinter #1)  Are they bothering you? 

SPRINTER #1:  No, I—

THE COACH:  (to the Water Boys)  Quit ruining my team, momma’s boys! 

SPRINTER #1:  Coach, can I go running or something?  I’m getting ansty as hell just standing around. 

THE COACH:  No!  I have something better in mind, just wait for me to finish training the rest of the team! 

EXT. GYM – DAY

VOICEOVER: the fourth Sprinter finishes training and appears outside the gym. 

THE COACH:  Team!  It feels great to finally have someone worthwhile to yell at!  (The Sprinters cheer.)  But you’re worthless!  You need to be faster than the other team, so go running!  Over there!  (A ping appears in the lower right corner of the minimap.)

SPRINTER #1:  Where at, Coach? 

THE COACH:  I told you already on the minimap!  (Another minimap ping.)  So go there now! 

SPRINTER #2:  What’s a minimap? 

THE COACH:  It’s as useful as clicking!  Just go there, to the lower right!  (A final minimap ping.)

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL – DAY

CUTSCENE: when the Sprinters reach the site of the minimap ping, they discover an ARROGANCE POOL, a purplish-black morass where liquid arrogance collects.  Any sane person would avoid it. 

SPRINTER #1:  Whoa whoa whoa—what is that?  I only got one rule about running, and it’s “never run past anything crackling with energy—especially if it’s a puddle!”  I learned my lesson. 

THE COACH:  Fuck you!  That’s just Superade!  I already drank buckets of it, it’s fine!  Water Boys—collect all that grape Superade and bring it back to the Locker Room! 

TITLE OVER:

     Collect the Superade.  He’s yelling, just do it! 

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL – DAY

VOICEOVER: the fifth Water Boy harvests “grape Superade” from the Arrogance Pool. 

WATER BOY #3:  This doesn’t taste like grape… this tastes like Armageddon. 

THE COACH:  Why are you drinking it?  That’s for the real athletes!  Just for that, build me a Swoll-Mart!

WATER BOY #3:  A Swoll-Mart? 

THE COACH:  Yeah, a Swoll-Mart!  “Swoll-Mart—where everyone is down to flex!” 

WATER BOY #3:  Don’t we need franchising rights? 

THE COACH:  Why wouldn’t I have some?  Now, build it for me, Martin! 

WATER BOY #2:  I think he means you, Tom. 

THE COACH:  Yeah, you, Martin!  Build me a Swoll-Mart!  Right next to where Jim put the gym! 

TITLE OVER:

     Build a Swoll-Mart near the gym. 

THE COACH (CONT’D):  Once you’re done, we can make our Sprinters into real athletes, thanks to all this Superade! 

EXT. SWOLL-MART – DAY

VOICEOVER: the Water Boys have collected 100 Arrogance and completed the Swoll-Mart. 

THE COACH:  Now, by clicking on the Swoll-Mart and then on the button for “Flexing”, we can make real athletes out of you! 

SPRINTER #1:  So this is gonna make us even faster? 

THE COACH:  Of course not!  But you’ll feel unstoppable! 

SPRINTER #2:  That sounds like the same thing. 

THE COACH:  It isn’t!  It’s even better. 

EXT. SWOLL-MART - DAY

VOICEOVER: the Sprinters wait for the upgrade to finish.  Note—the Flexing upgrade increases the Sprinters’ attack damage. 

SPRINTER #1:  Come on, let’s get going already! 

THE COACH:  It’s already going!  Let the Superade do its work. 

SPRINTER #1:  So… we can just stand around and get stronger? 

THE COACH:  Of course!  Haven’t you ever heard of electrolytes? 

SPRINTER #2:  I don’t think this shit is working. 

THE COACH:  Then drink more!  And give me some! 

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL – DAY

CUTSCENE: once the Flexing upgrade is complete, the Coach and his team of Sprinters drink cup after cup of arrogance. 

THE COACH:  Drink it all!  Drink to sports, and muscles, and 110%!  Drink to the god of winning! 

SPRINTER #1:  You mean Nike? 

THE COACH:  No!  It’s me!  I’m gonna make you the best team that’s ever lived!  Don’t you feel it? 

SPRINTER #3:  I think I’m starting to feel it, yeah! 

SPRINTER #4:  It feels like I could… like I could run right up to someone and rip out their throat! 

SPRINTER #2:  It feels like I could have a throat-ripping race! 

SPRINTER #1:  I feel like I could attack Russia in the dead of winter. 

THE COACH:  Then do it!  Make those pansies see red! 

EXT. RACE TRACK – DAY

CUTSCENE: the Sprinters and OPPOSING SPRINTERS are positioned for a 4 x 100 race.  The Opposing Sprinters are much tamer than your Sprinters, who flex incessantly. 

THE COACH:  Remember—all that matters is winning!  No matter what, beat the other team! 

TITLE OVER:

     Beat the other team. 

The first runners drop into starting positions, and tense for the starter pistol.  Your Sprinter stands up and flexes as the starter pistol FIRES.  Both runners take off—but your team is clearly losing. 

THE COACH (CONT’D):  Dammit!  I knew this would happen!  I didn’t train you guys for 30 seconds—each!—just to have you lose! 

SPRINTER #1:  (out of breath) Why… did you… make me… lift weights? 

Sprinter #1 hands the baton to Sprinter #2. 

SPRINTER #2:  (out of breath)  And why… did you make me… karate chop cinder blocks?  That hurt, broseph! 

Sprinter #2 hands the baton to Sprinter #3. 

SPRINTER #3:  (out of breath)  Math… seriously? 

Sprinter #3 throws the baton to Sprinter #4.

SPRINTER #4:  (out of breath)  You scowled… the whole time… and kept on saying… fuck you. 

The opposing team’s final runner crosses the finish line.

THE COACH:  Fuck you… fuck you… fuck you—fuck you—fuck you—I knew I didn’t give you enough Superade!  I told you to beat them! 

SPRINTER #1:  But… they were faster. 

THE COACH:  TO DEATH! 

TITLE OVER:

     Beat the other team.  

     Beat the other team TO DEATH!!! 

EXT. RACE TRACK – DAY

VOICEOVER: Continuous.  The Opposing Sprinters celebrate their win as the player commands his Sprinters to attack. 

THE COACH:  Bury them!  Alongside your emotions! 

OPPOSING SPRINTER #1:  Isn’t this against regulations?  Ow! 

THE COACH:  You heard him, team!  Regulate those fools! 

SPRINTER #1:  Their insides taste like that Superade! 

THE COACH:  Quench your bloodthirst! 

OPPOSING SPRINTER #2:  Winning made me too tired to run for my young life! 

SPRINTER #3:  Quite gloating! 

SPRINTER #4:  Yeah, don’t be a sore loser! 

SPRINTER #1:  See you in hell’s locker room! 

OPPOSING SPRINTER #4:  We’ll beat you there! 

OPPOSING SPRINTER #2:  Way to rub it in, Donny!  (screams in agony) 

EXT. RACE TRACK – DAY

CUTSCENE: after defeating the Opposing Sprinters, the Coach gathers his Sprinters into a huddle. 

THE COACH:  Congratulations, team!  You get an A for assault with a deadly weapon! 

The Sprinters cheer and slap each other on the back. 

THE COACH (CONT’D):  Water Boys, bring us buckets of victory Superade!  Drink up, team!  Our record is 1-0.  Now, let’s make it 2-0 by destroying their whole school! 

Sprinters cheer again. 

FADE OUT:

     End of level.  

Arrogance: the pitch

Jacob and I essentially created Probably Entertainment over lunch one day by talking about what a real-time strategy game would be like if it were based on things that really exist.  Today.  Farmers or athletes or wild animals or ents.  

See, we lost the "really exist" thing pretty quickly.  A lot of other stuff fell away, but it's all for the best.  

The game concept really took off when we pondered the resources players would gather.  Gold? Lame as hell. Oil?  Also blah.  Cardboard?  It's got a lot of utility, but it's a little flimsy on cool factor, y'know?  

All bullshit aside, what do you really need to fight a war?  

Take away the technology, take away the money, take away the propaganda.  

You need two things.  

One: something to kill your enemy.  

Two: the ego to think you can.  To think the horrors of war are worth it.  To commit war crimes, you gotta think you're right.  You only win by thinking you should.

This charming little game never quite developed a name, but I refer to it as Arrogance because, well. It wouldn't be as great as it is if not for all that arrogance.  

In the coming weeks and months and perpetuity, I'll give you bits of the game.  I still love the world, and I still work on the game whenever I need something really ridiculous to dive into.  This first tidbit is how we'd imagined pitching the game.  If you enjoy it, let us know.  

Like John Lennon said: Imagine… 

Imagine two sports teams with such bitter rivalries that they ignite World War III.

Imagine department stores turned gangs, murdering for market share.

Imagine that bears can talk.

Stop imagining: this is Arrogance, the absurd real-time strategy game.

Liquid arrogance seeps from the ground—and consuming it drives even timid folk to pursue manic power fantasies.  You’re freshly addicted.  The world crumbles because you lead any of five unlikely but awesome factions in their grab for global domination.  Superhuman athletes train for Super Brawl Sunday vs. swarms of minimum-wage workers armed with minimum-wage weaponry.  Zealots of the Über-Faith smite criminals whose schemes plunge the art of war to new depths.  Bears talk.

In REAL GAMEPLAY defensive linemen repel chainsaw-wielding manslaughterers as grizzly trebearchets hurl bee hives into the fray.  You can ACTUALLY MAKE baseball players hit home runs with the heads of choir members singing hymns of annihilation.  THRIFTLESSLY, your robber barons toss fiery wads of cash at one-armed lepers, only to gasp as bipolar bears hug all the happiness money can buy from their lungs.  IF YOU’RE LUCKY, corrupt referees will cry foul play as your clouds of guilt choke them with their own sins.  IN TIER THREE your venture capital ships spearhead legions of sales clerks, clashing with bears that conjure earthquakes, blizzards, and rage lightning.

And please recall that those bears can ACTUALLY TALK.

To YOU.

Stop imagining these epic situations and mourning John Lennon. 

Even he would play this game. 

Drink some Arrogance today.