Some personal Sad, Sad Stories
Thursday, November 29, 2012 at 08:30PM Maybe with all this talk of Sad, Sad Stories, you think we're a bit morose.
Not true!
...not entirely true!
For all the dark, there's still some color in our lives. We keep a sense of humor about all the droll, embarrassing, pitiable events we call "life". Here's a couple from my experiences to pick you up.
(and look for Sad, Sad Stories on Sadderday)
(puns: the saddest jokes of all)
Doughboy
- Fourth grade: I first realize I can be funny.
- Jiggling my gut.
- If I sit and slouch, there's more to grab.
- This year I write 114 book reports.
- Set the new Mrs. Weiss' classroom record.
- When people poke me in the gut, I pretend to be the Pillsbury Doughboy.
- "Whoo-hoo!" I say.
- I pretend a lot.
- That mascot's an inaccurate depiction of American soldiers from World War I.
- His hat's not bullet-proof.
- Or mustard-gas proof.
- I suppose it's flamethrower-proof.
- Does Pillsbury make mustard?
- Seventh grade: I stop depending on physical humor.
- Try out for track.
- Coaches suggest & field.
- Public speaking class is the humor catalyst.
- Suffice it to say I'm really funny.
- (for seventh grade)
- No idea how many book reports I write this year.
- Sophomore year: I run cross country for a couple weeks.
- Return of physical humor.
- Result:
- Shin splints and stress fractures.
- Common in heavy runners.
- I attend the end-of-season banquet.
- There's a slideshow.
- Runners running.
- Many runners.
- I stand holding a can of soda.
- Only picture they have.
Ease
Swanson tells everyone who rides wtih him to write on the ceiling of his car. "The fabric fell off, so fuck it. Write whatever."
Mine has to be good.
Swanson wants to go into film. He writes shorts and we film them--we did the original Star Wars trilogy in under twenty minutes, using only what we found in the garage, three actors, and a George Bush mask for Jabba the Hutt. Yoda was a green bottle of weed killer, R2-D2 a Weber grill, and every character I played said, "shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," and died in a cross-fade.
After filming, I realize I used Greedo's lines when playing Jabba the Hutt. We all make mistakes.
Today, we are filming a knight video. Swanson has painted some cardboard to look like fake rocks and wedged them against his house. Bill, Carlos and I have fake swords and faker acting. I am the king.
Our horses are cars. Swanson wants a shot of the king leaving his castle on horseback. I can't drive, so Swanson parks his car perpendicular to traffic--he lives on a dead end, so it's cool--then moves to the passenger seat to explain.
"It's simple. The pedal on the right is the gas, and the pedal on the left is the brake. Everyone hits the pedals too hard the first time they drive--so don't. All you have to do is ease onto the pedal and we'll start moving--and it's almost a straight shot to that alley over there, so you don't even have to steer. Got it?"
I look down at the shifter. R.
I hit the pedal too hard. The tailpipe fills with grass and dirt before we jump the curb and lunge toward my castle.
"Brake brake brake brake brake!"
Outside, Bill and Carlos panic. Mostly they laugh.
Swanson shifts to D. "Okay... now ease on the gas and get us back onto the street."
I'm easing. We whump to street level.
Swanson sighs. "EASE on the gas and get us into that alley." I mostly do.
"Now get the fuck out of my car!"
It was a trial run. We didn't film it. Swanson drives the car into the alley and Carlos films. I watch. The next time I attempt driving I am nineteen.
"R... what does R stand for?" is on the ceiling of a car if that car still exists.
Reader Comments (2)
You're right. Funny, yet so sad. That's life! I would have written it in French, but I don't know how to write in French. Except for latte, brie and croissant. Could explain why I look like the Dough Aunt.
Ha, yeah. That is life, for sure.
C'est... lava? C'est... evil? Let's just stick with brie.