Ah, friends

Here are some pieces I wrote a while back.  I miss you all, but goddamn am I glad I don't drive with some of you anymore.  

Bill Holmdohl 

“What the fuck is a compound word?” 

What?  Bill, how don’t you know what compound words are? 

“I know baseball is not a compound word.” 

Base + ball = Baseball. 

“Nuh-uh!  Then isn’t penis a compound word?  Pen + is = Penis.” 

Bill is now one of the Milwaukee Brewers racing sausages.  

Unsent

Dear Karl,

I thought about you today while I was trying to pee.  I didn’t think about you because of urine—I was peeing in front of a mirror and thought about that conversation we had about my hair color and my male pattern baldness. 

Anyway. 

Peter

The Death Box

The glove compartment of the Death Box bruised my shins every time I rode with Carlos until it hit me so hard it fell off and could not be fixed. 

Carlos is driving his knock-off Geo Metra.  As per usual, he is not paying attention. 

Bill is from the backseat. 

“Carlos!  Carlos Carlos Carlos Carlos!” 

Carlos swerves.  As per usual, I scream in a high pitched voice. 

Bill laughs and laughs. 

Still, I’m glad for the shin room. 

Concave Mirrors

I eat ice cream from a bowl.  I lick the spoon clean and stretch my spoon-arm as far from me as possible.  Not far enough; I am still upside-down.  Ben understands. 

This one could have also been entitled Either You’ll Get It or You Won’t. 

I’ll warn you next time. 

Hindsight

Swanson is driving.  As per usual, I am gesturing emphatically. 

Windows are open. 

I make a point, which resonates with the rearview. 

It bounces in Swanson’s lap, leaps for the window. 

As per usual, I scream in a high-pitched voice, Swanson in a low. 

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! ” 

In the back, Bill laughs and laughs.  

Bradford Chapin

In Drama Lit we read Waiting For Godot.  Dean asks if anyone would like to read. 

Brad says, “I’ll read Godot.”

While teaching surrealism, Dean says that it’s filled with sexual imagery, is erratic and violent, and is dreamlike in its presentation. 

Brad:   So it’s a wet… nightmare? 

Brad:   Dean, I totally got this one wrong and you didn’t mark off for it. 

Dean:  Thank you, Brad—bring it to the front and I’ll correct your score. 

Brad:   (BRAD tears up his quiz.  Screams.)  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! 

UW-Parkside has geese.  Every spring they claim territory and hiss at students along paths.  Brad works for the theatre, and is outside painting flats white. 

A goose approaches. 

                                                            BRAD

Hey, goose—don’t walk on the scenery.  It’s still wet.  (The GOOSE gets near a flat. BRAD waves his arms.)  Stay away from the scenery, goose! 

(The GOOSE exits SR.) 

(GOOSE returns.) 

                                                            BRAD

I told you before, goose—don’t walk on the flat.  (GOOSE starts to walk on a flat.) Hey goose—get off the flat!

(BRAD waves his arms and runs at GOOSE.  GOOSE does not respond.  BRAD picks up a piece of unpainted scenery.  He makes threatening swipes at GOOSE, which can fly and begins dive-bombing BRAD.  After a mighty battle in which neither combatant lands a blow, GOOSE exits SR.)  

                                                            Scene Three

(GOOSE enters SR.)

(After a beat, GOOSE 2, GOOSE 3, GOOSE 4, and GOOSE 5 also enter SR.) 

                                                            GOOSE

Hnnnk!  Huuuuuuurnk!  Rrr-hhreeeehnnnnnkk!  Rrrahnk! (These are goose noises.) 

                                                            GOOSE 2

Hhhrraaahrnk!  Hrrreeehahnk, etc. 

                                                            (GOOSE 3 also sounds like a squeaking bed.) 

                                                            (GOOSE 4 also sounds like it is dry-heaving.) 

                                                            (GOOSE 5 is also Canadian.) 

It was quite terrifying, I assure you.