Saturday afternoon application to neighborhood brain clinician

Maybe this is over-sharey.  However, fuck a social stigma about mental health.  That needs to disappear forever.  

I wrote this a few weeks back, and only tonight looked at it again.  It's the first nonfiction I've written in a long time, and I hope that sharing it makes me write more.  The title's obviously garbage, but here ya go:

I’m looking for a therapist. 

Do you need to ask? 

Logged onto my insurer’s website, searched by mental health, taking patients, real nearby. 

Each specifies their areas of expertise, their approaches to helping people like me, the bits of their lives I get to know. 

Fuck, a lotta therapists enjoy gardening. 

Exercise. 

Outdoor activities. 

Long walks on the beach. 

Jesus.  I didn’t redirect to Match, did I? 

One guy says he likes naps.  He’s my favorite, but somehow snuck past my “real nearby” criteria.  I’m not gonna drive 25 to wake him from a power snooze. 

He’s not even sure why he joined the field, he’s just glad he did. 

Breck.  That’s his name.  But location, location, location, homes. 

The site only lets me compare three people at a time.  I’m not sure yet what the site will actually compare, but I have to eliminate options on the fly. 

Anxiety and depressive disorders.  Pretty much all these motherfuckers do that. 

I weed out the ones who do serious shit—eating disorders, PTSD, trichotillomania (I presume it’s hardcoreshit)—because I don’t need them that bad. 

I knock out anyone who is too attractive. 

Anyone who says they see wonderment in children. 

Any mention of faith. 

The lesbian, regrettably. 

Not that she was unattractive.  She looked nice. 

I’m wary of the psychiatrists.  I haven’t even smoked pot; lithium sounds a bit intense. 

Lithium’s not even some man-made drug.  It’s element #3 on the periodic table.  It’s like huffing hydrogen or snorting an eight ball of beryllium or World War 1 chlorine gas coughing up lung clusterfucks.   

That shit goes in batteries. 

Although I have been tired lately. 

Eliminate the bilinguals and trilinguals, even though Tagalog sounds inviting. 

All right, fuck it.  Let’s compare these three. 

Yep, all taking new patients. 

All have mental health or psychiatric credentials.  Of course. 

They provide care nearby.  Yup. 

Available services:

                               Online Appointments

After Hours Care

Free Parking

Electronic Health Records

View all

Of course, let’s see ‘em. 

• After Hours Care
• E-Prescribing
• E-Visits
• Free Parking
• Medication Therapy Management
• Nationally Accredited Diabetes Education—uhhhhhh
• Offers Eyewear Discount—whyyyyyy
• Bone Mineral Density (DEXA)—this is just what the clinic offers
• General X-Ray—that’s not what I asked for at all
• Hearing Aid Supplier—he has to listen to me, not the other way around
• Laboratory—way to be specific, guys.  I appreciate it. 
• Routine Vision Care—so I can view all? 

I settle on the gobliny guy who gardens at the corner place where another dude held my balls and I coughed.