Thursday
Oct042012
Diablo II is like long-term relationships.
Thursday, October 4, 2012 at 09:23PM You show up, and you're a savior. You will lead the world out of darkness. You are everything a man could be.
You will kill Hell itself.
You go forth. You try new things together, you complete tasks, you're learning about the world and yourself and what you're good at. Because you are good at things! You'd forgotten how much change you could make in the world, and how much the world wants you to change it!
You kill the demon bitch Andariel (which is every woman who is not your girlfriend whose tits you want to see (and which drive you to murder with their taunting).
Yes hon, it is a totally normal response to demons! And female sexuality!
Now that you're done with the tit vanquishing, you've beaten the first Act! You've recaptured the Rogues' Citadel for them, and you're onto Act Two, which is in a desert.
It's pretty much the same as Act One--going forth, completing tasks, impressing people--just in a different place. Although you notice some of the same monsters here. They're just blue now. It's still fun--you're learning, spending quality time making the world as great as the love inside your souls.
Act 3 is some shit, though. Winding paths, endless, meaningless, heart of darkness jungles. You're fighting fucking demon frogs and devil trees and midgets and Catholics, and after years of cutting through brush together, you're starting to wonder how great this really is.
And then you get to Mephisto. Diablo's brother, one of the Prime Evils, Lord of... Lord of... the dark... side...
He's what? The Lord of Hatred?
Why are you listening to my hate rants so dispassionately? What changed between us? When did we get like this?
Anyway.
You get to Mephisto, and he looks how you feel about love.
You go forth. You try new things together, you complete tasks, you're learning about the world and yourself and what you're good at. Because you are good at things! You'd forgotten how much change you could make in the world, and how much the world wants you to change it!
You kill the demon bitch Andariel (which is every woman who is not your girlfriend whose tits you want to see (and which drive you to murder with their taunting).
Yes hon, it is a totally normal response to demons! And female sexuality!
Now that you're done with the tit vanquishing, you've beaten the first Act! You've recaptured the Rogues' Citadel for them, and you're onto Act Two, which is in a desert.
It's pretty much the same as Act One--going forth, completing tasks, impressing people--just in a different place. Although you notice some of the same monsters here. They're just blue now. It's still fun--you're learning, spending quality time making the world as great as the love inside your souls.
Act 3 is some shit, though. Winding paths, endless, meaningless, heart of darkness jungles. You're fighting fucking demon frogs and devil trees and midgets and Catholics, and after years of cutting through brush together, you're starting to wonder how great this really is.
And then you get to Mephisto. Diablo's brother, one of the Prime Evils, Lord of... Lord of... the dark... side...
He's what? The Lord of Hatred?
Why are you listening to my hate rants so dispassionately? What changed between us? When did we get like this?
Anyway.
You get to Mephisto, and he looks how you feel about love.
You beat down those emotional skulls, then trap him in a Soulstone, because repression is easier.
And then you're in Hell. Which, weirdly, is shorter than all the areas before it. But it's still the same. There's just nicer stuff everywhere. You're always wearing nicer things, surrounded by nicer things, you're pals with an angel, it's all very nice.
But Hell.
You venture into the River of Flame and find the Hellforge, then whip out Mephisto's Soulstone. When you smash the Soulstone, you're rewarded with more beautiful jewels than you've ever seen in your life. Amethysts, flawless sapphires, perfect diamonds.
The demon who looks like how you feel about love you trap inside a rock. Then when you crush those feelings, you're rewarded with gems.
It's beautiful at first.
All I'm saying is you used to be beautiful.
Point being, you venture into the Chaos Sanctuary to face off with Diablo, and you totally wreck him because he's the Lord of Terror, but you've already smashed all your feelings so fear can go suck itself off as you beat it mercilessly into the pulp of demon seed you've always thought you were and which you now just channel into your relationship or take out on video games, because they're fucking cool.
And then you're in Hell. Which, weirdly, is shorter than all the areas before it. But it's still the same. There's just nicer stuff everywhere. You're always wearing nicer things, surrounded by nicer things, you're pals with an angel, it's all very nice.
But Hell.
You venture into the River of Flame and find the Hellforge, then whip out Mephisto's Soulstone. When you smash the Soulstone, you're rewarded with more beautiful jewels than you've ever seen in your life. Amethysts, flawless sapphires, perfect diamonds.
The demon who looks like how you feel about love you trap inside a rock. Then when you crush those feelings, you're rewarded with gems.
It's beautiful at first.
All I'm saying is you used to be beautiful.
Point being, you venture into the Chaos Sanctuary to face off with Diablo, and you totally wreck him because he's the Lord of Terror, but you've already smashed all your feelings so fear can go suck itself off as you beat it mercilessly into the pulp of demon seed you've always thought you were and which you now just channel into your relationship or take out on video games, because they're fucking cool.
And that's all it takes to beat the game! Eponymous demon sundered! Complete! Nothing more to worry about!
And then the nightmares begin.
Well, just Nightmare mode. Same game again. Bluer monsters. Even nicer things.
All over again.
New experiences are few and far between.
You trap your feelings again.
You smash them into jewels.
Not so shiny anymore.
And then Hell difficulty.
Everything again.
Again.
Again.
The only difference between long-term relationships and Diablo II is that when you battle Diablo, he growls, "Even death can't save you from me". Thank God that's still an option.
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