I Am the Lonely Hearts Club Band
Wednesday, June 27, 2012 at 01:33PM Dear John Lennon,
I am he / as you are he / as you are me / and we are all together.
That’s the Transitive Property of Mathematics.
If A=B and B=C, then C=A.
Therefore:
John is Paul / as I am Paul / as I am John / and we are John Paul Peter.
The Transitive Property of I Am the Walrus reveals fallacies in even the most deeply-
held beliefs of Beatles mythology. Consider this, John: if we substitute Paul for
Yoko, we find that Yoko didn’t break up the Beatles—Yoko was the Beatles.
And Wings!
And charged $250 for tickets to her most recent tour!
Imagine that.
Furthermore, it explains your response to whether or not Ringo was the best
drummer in the world: “Ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles!”
Given the Transitive Property of the Beatles, Ringo was not only the best drummer
in the world—he was the best drummer in the Beatles!
He was also the worst drummer of all time.
And he wrote all of the Beatles’ best songs!
Including “Yellow Submarine.”
I’m a drummer too, John. What do you have to say about that?
The Transitive Property of I Am the Beatles also explains the “Paul is dead” rumor: I
was murdered outside of my apartment building in 1980, six years before my mother
gave birth to Paul McCartney.
The Associative Property of the Beatles—a related theorem colloquially known as “I
Want to Hold Your Hand”—proves that I am much cooler than I really am.
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<-- Love this.