Virginity Word Problem

Assuming there exists a middle-class white chubby kid who got picked on for his receding hairline by age 15, when will Peter lose his virginity? 

Show your work. 

1)   Given that Peter is age 15 and has low self-esteem, will he touch a girl? 

       Variable: Peter just joined two bands. 

This is embarrassing.  And besides, that’s not even why I joined those bands. 

Incorrect.  An additional -5 for lying.  I’m 15-year-old you; I know. 

Come on.  I’m not taking this test. 

So you’re going to fail the first-ever test of your life, then? 

I’m pretty sure that test was losing my virginity. 

So the answer is “Never”?  Goddammit. 

No, it’s… ah, hell. 

Listen.  This is you ten years ago, via comments typed with only one hand, about when goddammit WHEN am I finally going to stop being outside the party and inside the girl.  And you can’t make that happen?

I think it’s you that can’t make it happen. 

So we can skip right to age 16, then? 

We could.  But let’s see how you think this is going to play out. 

Finally.  I’ll repeat the question, but -5 points for disruption. 

1)   Given that Peter is age 15 and has low self-esteem, will he touch a girl? 

       Variable: Peter just joined two bands. 

I was the drummer. 

And back then, I listened to the Dave Matthews Band. 

Everyday. 

Not every single day—their album, Everyday.  Track 5 was my emotional depth. 

Nothing touched me more deeply than that saxophone. 

Therefore, I touched nothing more deeply than a girl’s… um… 

Therefore, I touched nothing about girls at all. 

Correct.  But what’s wrong with Dave Matthews? 

Give it a couple years. 

 2)   If Peter forms a third rock band at age 16, will he maybe touch a girl? 

       Variable: this band has girls in it.  Two! 

All right.  It’s a given that Nicole was incredibly cute. 

Unfortunately, Alex + Nicole = (Alex and Nicole).  And you knew that.  It wasn’t going to happen. 

So this band may have two girls in it, but you knew all along there was really only one girl in the band for you.  And she played saxophone.  Don’t pretend that you weren’t wandering around the neighborhood with your Discman and Dave Matthews as you walked past her house nights on end. 

I’m not saying it was creepy.  It was teenaged.  You didn’t even know what room was hers, so I know it was just that you were deranged by hormones multiplied by a saxophone, all of which told you this is a good idea.  Unfortunately, what’s actually a good idea is telling a girl how you feel.  And you suck at that. 

Wait, fuck you.  You’re talking about K.  K is the girl that turned me down last year. 

Yeah, sorry about that, dude. 

I’m going to get turned down again?  What am I wasting my time for?  -5 points for wasting my time, ass. 

Hey, man.  Sophomore year, you were in German together, Chem together, Geography Bowl, the musical, and then a band together.  Shit happens. 

I’ll say.  Deal with this question then, cockbag.  BTW, -5 points for being a cockbag. 

Well, wait a year and then give me a Correct on this one, too. 

…correct. 

3)     Given that future Peter is an unforgiveable cockbag, will he ever learn to stop

         prolonging my virginity by continuing to pursue a girl after she’s told him no? 

I… maybe. 

For cock’s sake—

Listen, here.  It’s not like it was all about your dick at that point.  You felt things back then, in ways that hurt to even consider at this point. 

What I feel that hurts more than you seem to remember is blue balls. 

Nope, calling bullshit on the whole blue balls thing.  That shit’s not real.  Not for us, at least. 

You won’t let me lay pipe, you won’t let me have blue balls—goddamn.  Just goddamn. 

Yeah.  Don’t call it laying pipe. 

But to answer your question: you treat girls like a saved game.  You figure if they showed interest in you once, it didn’t matter that they always eventually said game over.  You set that girl aside for a while, swearing it’s impossible (or at least not worth the effort), then pick up the game again—you seem to think—from a point at which she will say yes. 

Sorry, dude. 

Fucking fuck.  Okay. 

But let me say that you do stop pursuing K.  Especially after the rest of the band tells you you have to be the one to kick her out of the band, because you’re closest to her. 

Seriously? 

High school’s the best, man. 

4)     Assuming Peter stops playing video games, will he please maybe fuck someone? 

You think you stop playing video games?  You’ve done that shit since you were three. 

Not only are you going to keep playing video games—you’re going to design them one day.  So don’t stop plowing away at Final Fantasy X because you think it’ll improve your chances of some Finally Fantastic XXX—besides, you’ve got to stay ahead of Bill Holmdohl so he’ll keep asking you questions about it. 

About sex? 

Heh.  No. 

Wait.  Fucking Bill Holmdohl has fucking sex before I do? 

I can’t say for sure.  I mean, would you actually ask Bill? 

But almost definitely yes. 

5)     So should I just chop off my balls right now? 

Yeah, go ahead and explain that ER trip to Mom and Dad. 

6)     Okay.  So I’m 17 and a Junior.  I’m on the Geography Bowl team, take AP physics, go to

         all the cross country meets but don’t even try running this year, and don’t get my

         driver’s license.  Let’s skip a year, right? 

No, actually.  You totally dance with a girl, raging erection and everything and even end up not really being self-conscious about it.  It’s not sex, but you’re unable to stop talking about how awesome the night was while standing outside Katie’s house with Brueggeman, then going home and calling him to talk even more. 

How the fuck. 

And hold on—not self-conscious about the dancing, or the erection? 

Pretty sure both, even if you should have been self-conscious about the dancing.  But we’ll get to that later, I’m willing to bet. 

As for how the fuck, it turns out the rest of your band mates (but especially Nicole) decided to find you a date to Winter Formal, since they were all going.  Nicole finds out Stacey wants to go, but doesn’t have a date. 

Stacey from Chem last year? 

Yep.  She’s the first girl you dance with, boner and all. 

Sorry, Stacey. 

So then we date, right? 

Yeah, for about a month.  But you never kiss her. 

But I bonered her through an entire dance. 

Sure did.  But when you ask her out a week later, there will be this damning moment when she was going to kiss you, and you didn’t realize it, and then you both maneuver, stop, stand there forever in the awkwardness and don’t kiss then or at all.  You have a cold a week later, but really you just don’t have the balls. 

And you lived about two miles apart, and neither of you could drive.  Plus, it was winter.  So you had some fun, but eventually she broke up with you.  Probably over the kissing, maybe because she was interested in someone else—you never find out. 

Unflinchingly correct.