Arrogance, Athlete campaign level 2

Wondering what the shit this is?  It's the script for the second level of our RTS game, Arrogance.  Need more than that?  See the pitch for the game here and read the first level here!  

Competition Two: The Art of Sportswear

EXT. OPPOSING HIGH SCHOOL FIELD – DAY

CUTSCENE:  THE COACH warmongers to four Sprinters and four Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Team!  We’re getting near the other school.  The only way we’re gonna beat the whole school is by having the biggest team with the best Superade and 110% more sports! 

SPRINTER #1:  Whaddya need Coach? 

THE COACH:  Go find somewhere for the Water Boys to build a new locker room!  

WATER BOY #1:  But… why do we need another locker room? 

THE COACH:  The other one’s too far away! 

WATER BOY #2:  What’s wrong with right here? 

THE COACH:  It’s terrible!  What did they teach you in geography?  The three most important things are location, location, and go fuck yourself!   Plus, I can smell some nearby Superade.  Hustle, team! 

TITLE OVER:

    Find more Superade. 

    Build a new locker room. 

    Beat the other school forever! 

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL NEAR OPPOSING SCHOOL – DAY

CUTSCENE:  the Sprinters find an Arrogance Pool and a Junk Pile near a rundown shack.  A large man, JAY THE GROUNDSKEEPER, is being attacked by two OPPOSING SPRINTERS. 

THE COACH:  I told you there was Superade!   Hey, the other team is beating that man to take his Superade!  Go beat them so we can take his Superade instead! 

TITLE OVER:

    Save the man so you can beat him!

EXT. ARROGANCE POOL NEAR OPPOSING SCHOOL – DAY

CUTSCENE:  Once the Opposing Sprinters are defeated, THE COACH talks to Jay. 

THE COACH:  Hey!  Get away from our Superade!

JAY:  Is that what this shit is?  I been drinking it, I just didn’t know why. 

THE COACH:  You like the Superade? 

JAY:  I’ve never felt better!  I’m dripping colors everywhere. 

WATER BOY #1:  I… I think that’s blood. 

THE COACH:  No, Superade makes you leak colors.  That’s how you know it’s working!  Team, I think we have a new ally.  What’s your name? 

JAY:  I’m Jay the groundskeeper, old sport.  I collect all the junk that school throws out, and in return, they let me drink all the Superade I want out of that puddle there. 

WATER BOY #1:  Doesn’t the school pay you?

JAY:  Why would they pay me?  They don’t even know I’m here. 

SPRINTER #1:  Why were those pricks beating you? 

JAY:  If I had two guesses, I’d say it’s either because I was watching their mascot practice his routine, or because I punched one prick in his taint.  They must have followed me back here by the smell of his taint on my knuckles. 

SPRINTER #1:  Yeah, big mystery.  I’ma say it maybe taint the first one. 

THE COACH:  It’s impossible to know. 

SPRINTER #2:  Whadda they care if you was watching their friggin’ mascot? 

THE COACH:  The mascot is the brains of the entire team!  What else do you think is inside that huge head?  Jay!  You know where the mascot is? 

JAY:  Sure I do.  But getting to him won’t be easy. 

THE COACH:  That’s fine.  “Hard as fuck” is my middle name.  Team!  If we can knock the head offa that mascot, the school will fall.  Jay, lead the way—but first, can we have your junk and drink your Superade? 

JAY:  Of course you can old sport! 

THE COACH:  SPORTS!  All right pathetics, build us a new locker room!  Just do it! 

Scene fades, then rises to a new locker room being completed.  The Water Boys start harvesting Junk and Arrogance.

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

CUTSCENE:  THE COACH yells at the Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Collect faster!  What’s wrong with you? 

WATER BOY #1:  I think it’s called asthma. 

THE COACH:  So you can’t go any faster? 

WATER BOY #1:  Not without my inhaler. 

THE COACH:  More like in-failure!  If you can’t go faster, I need more of you!  Find more of you worthless Water Boys inside that locker room and make them collect Junk and Superade!  Five of you collecting Junk and five on Superade is all the pathetic I can stand, but it should be enough.  And don’t mention spaz-ma again unless you’re breathing from a win-haler! 

EXT. ATHLETE BASE – DAY

VOICEOVER:  while creating Water Boys. 

THE COACH:  Jay, how long have you been gathering this junk? 

JAY:  Just a few days, old sport.  Ever since I stopped here for a quick drink while practicing my home runs. 

THE COACH:  You play baseball?

JAY:  No, whatever gave you that idea? 

THE COACH:  You were practicing home runs! 

JAY:  Of course!  What do you think home runs are? 

THE COACH:  Baseball!  What do you think home runs are? 

JAY:  Why, it’s what I have to do after I punch a guy in his taint—I run home!  I call taint-punching “givin’ ‘em the ol’ knuckle-ball!”

SPRINTER #1:  You sure got a lot of terms for punching dicks. 

JAY:  That’s not the half of them!  When I punch four taints, it’s a grand slam!  Punching two taints hard enough the guys fall down is a ground roll double!  When I just knick ‘em with my pinky, I call that the bottom of the fifth! 

THE COACH:  This guy plays dirty!  I love it! 

SPRINTER #1:  Yo dawg, you got any other hobbies? 

JAY:  Why? Isn’t this the national pastime? 

SPRINTER #1:  Why do you punch so many taints? 

JAY:  It certainly isn’t repressed emotions! 

WATER BOY #1:  Do you think maybe you’re a self-hating gay-basher, Jay? 

JAY:  Nope! 

WATER BOY #1:  Maybe you should spend less time punching taints, then. 

JAY:  Whoa, fella—out of bounds. 

SPRINTER #1:  Can you at least stop using so many baseball words? 

JAY:  That request came outta left field.  I don’t even know what baseball is! 

SPRINTER #1:  Seriously broseph—what would I have to do to make you stop? 

JAY:  I don’t know, but I suppose I talk less when I’m eating. 

SPRINTER #1:  What do you want? 

JAY:  You could buy me some peanuts and cracker-jack. 

Nope, that's not the whole level.  Getting the entire first level in one post was a special treat.  This way we get to ponder over many thrilling questions, like will the Athletes capture the mascot?  Will Jay get his peanuts and cracker-jack?  Will the deaths of many school-age children be treated with the appropriate respect?